


Make it stop

by Zula_blue



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Depression, F/M, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Post-Break Up, Protective Siblings, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-01-07 01:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12222969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zula_blue/pseuds/Zula_blue
Summary: Alec can't handle the pain of his break up anymore. Izzy is going to make everything in her power to help him move on, even if that means making Alec forget.This story involves topics such as depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. If think you will be affected by any of this, please don't read it.





	1. Post break up

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how the story will go. I guess it's an idea and a work in progress. I'm open to suggestion, let me know what you think about it.
> 
> Please don't read this fanfic if you think you will be affected by things such as depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

**_Isabelle_ **

****

Izzy was worried about Alec. She knew her brother was heartbroken and suffering, but it was more than that. He looked terrible, he didn’t eat or sleep and the live of his eyes was gone. The war was over and they were back in Idris and as soon as they arrived Alec had been buried in paperwork, training and going in missions. He was bottling up his feelings and Izzy was worried to see him break.

 

At first, she thought everything was fine, Alec was sad but he was still himself. The holidays past by and to be honest Izzy was handling a heartbreak of her own. She lost Simon, he gave his immortality and memories to Asmodeus to leave Edom. He saved them all.

Izzy was struggling but she had Clary and together they were going to get Simon back.

 

Days and nights went on and on and they were in mid-January. Simon was going to train as a shadowhunter and they were friends again. They had started seeing each other again and although Isabelle wanted to throw her arms around him, kiss him and never let go, she couldn’t. she had to give it time, baby steps. Nevertheless, she was feeling better and she started to be more aware of Alec.

 

She started to notice that he wasn’t eating and he looked tired all the time. She noticed Alec spent hours in the training room hitting a punching back or throwing arrows. She started to notice Alec wasn’t smiling anymore and he looked like he was a zombie.

 

She felt bad because she had been too worried about Simon, too concentrated in her. Also, Clary and Jace took a vacation together. She felt bad because no one had been there for Alec when he needed them the most. Alec had always been there for her, he had always been there for anyone who needed him. He had always put his family and friends first. And now when he needed support, when he was at his worst no one has been there for him.

 

Izzy had tried to talk to Alec but he always said the same “I’m fine”. So, she tried to be subtler, she made sure Alec ate something in the day, she would bring him lunch to his office or a little snack, but nothing seemed to be working.

 

At the end of the month Jace and Clary returned and also noticed Alec’s bad shape. They all together tried to help Alec, but it seemed that the harder they tried the farther away Alec was.

 

****

**_Alec_ **

****

Alec thought he was going to be ok, he thought he could get over Magnus. He knew it was going to take time, he loved him more than anything, but he didn’t realize it was going to be so painful. He didn’t know how to feel better, how to escape the pain.

_"Aku cinta kamu." Magnus had said._  
"What does that mean?"  
Magnus disentangled himself from Alec's grip. "It means I love you. Not that that changes anything.”

_([Cassandra Clare](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/150038.Cassandra_Clare), [City of Lost Souls](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13629058))_

 

At first Alec thought he was handling it, he was the head of the institute, he was back at work and everything was going back to normal. And everything was fine except that, every time he closed his eyes he saw Magnus, when he took a minute to breath his eyes will full of tears, that every time he entered his room he remembered the times Magnus spend the night there. Everything was fine until everything fell apart. He would remember their kisses, their hugs, their smiles, how they made love and he would feel his heart breaking again and again.

 

It started with little things, Alec would skip breakfast and sometimes lunch, and after some time he was missing dinner as well. He just couldn’t handle food, he didn’t feel hungry, it made him sick. He stopped sleeping properly, he felt tired all day, but as soon as he was lying on his bed he couldn’t sleep. All the memories he tried to avoid during the day would come. Also, if he somehow managed to fall asleep he would dream about Magnus, he would be happy for a couple minutes or even hours and then he would wake up, alone, heartbroken and missing Magnus more and more.

 

He was feeling so alone and with no place in the world, the pain was emotional but he felt it everywhere. It was like he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move, and he dint find a reason to live. He constantly blamed himself for what happened, he hurt Magnus and this were the consequences. These destructive thoughts started to come more frequently to his mind, he felt damaged, unworthy, guilty, and extremely sad.

 

It started with small things, he would take a bath and hold his breath under the water. He would go to the roof and walk in the borders, he had slipped off once or twice and he had thought about what would happened if he just jumped. He had started to ‘forget’ some of his protection when he geared up for missions. He started to be more reckless, engage more in melee fights. He had stopped using healing runes for cuts or bruises.

 

Magnus’ last words haunted him. _"It means I love you. Not that that changes anything.”_

Magnus didn’t care about him anymore, no one cared he thought.

 

 Everyone else was moving forward with their life. Jace and Clary where having some sort of honey moon. Izzy was trying to get Simon back. His mother was always busy and his father never returned from Idris. Alec felt lost and alone. Strange thoughts started to come into his mind, he wondered if someone would miss him, if someone would care.

 

He didn’t want to feel this way, he knew it was wrong, and he knew that his family loved him, but he couldn’t stop. After some time, Izzy started to keep an eye on him and he tried, he really did try to reassure her that he was fine. He didn’t like the look he got from his sister, it was pity and he hated it. Moreover, when Jace and Clary got back they started looking him like that too. Instead of helping they made him feel angry. He was angry at everyone and everything and he couldn’t handle it any longer.

 

**_Jace_ **

 

Jace was feeling guilty. He started feeling like that as soon as he got back from his vacations and saw Alec. He wished he could take all the pain away from his parabatai.

 

Alec had always acted older than his age, he was Jace’s rock, Jace could always count on him. He remembered the conversation they had in Edom ‘this is me in pieces’ Alec had told him. That was a slap on his face, Alec had been the best brother and parabatai ever and Jace had completely ignored how Alec was feeling. He wasn’t there for him then and he promised that he would be better. Apparently, he failed again because he was selfish, he had left to enjoy his happiness land he left behind not one but both of his sibling to deal with their heartbreaks alone.

 

He remembered feeling that something was wrong by his parabatai rune but he discarded the feeling and now he only hoped it wasn’t too late.

 

Alec was different, he looked empty and lost, he looked like life didn’t have meaning anymore and that scared Jace to the core.


	2. Heartbroken

It was mid-February and things with Alec weren’t any better. He looked worse and worse. He was so thin that you could look his bones, he looked pale, with dark circles under his eyes, and his blue eyes, which once looked so full of love and joy, were now dimmed. It was like all of what made him Alec was gone.

 

One night Izzy, Jace, Clary and Alec went on a mission. There were some demons in Central park they had been tracking for over an hour and they were close. They were going to surround them. Alec went up a bridge to have a better view and use his arrows. Izzy was hiding behind a tree and Clary and Jace were ready to make the first move. The fight escalated quickly because there were more demons nearby waiting for them.

 

The fight started, Jace, and Clary were using their blades, Izzy her whip and Alec was shooting arrows sending the demons back to their realm. However, the fight escalated quickly because there were more demons nearby waiting for them. Alec run out of arrows and before joining his siblings he called the institute for back up. They were outnumbered and the demons were strong and smart. They had managed to isolate Izzy from the rest and they were ready to attack. Alec didn’t think it twice and he jumped from the bridge in front of his sister. Alec acted out of instinct but he didn’t even have his blade out.

One of the demons attacked and Alec fought him with his bare hands. Izzy was fighting another behind him. Jace and Clary had managed to put some distance between them and the demons. However, they needed back up and they needed it soon. A few minutes later werewolves appeared and started fighting too. Then, more shadowhunters came and all together they managed to eliminate the threat.

 

They were all walking back to the institute except for Clary and Jace that went with the wolves to see Maia and Luke. As soon as they arrived Alec went straight to his bedroom and told Izzy to leave him alone. He was hurt in battle, a small cut in his abdomen. It gave him some pain but nothing he couldn’t handle. He could use a rune and everything would be alright. He was taking out his stele and he stopped. The pain felt right, it was like if he focused on that pain some of the emotional pain left him. He felt relief.

 

It was wrong, he knew it was. Maybe he could wait a couple of days wait until it was necessary to heal that cut. Wait for the venom to spread but not enough to made permanent damage. He could do that, just wait a little bit, jus focus on the pain in his abdomen and forget about everything else. It had been four days since Alec was hurt. He could feel the venom spreading, reaching further inside his body and he had to stop it. He was playing with fire but before he could heal the wound he realized that he didn’t care if he burned out in flames.

 

That night Alec went to the roof, he was sitting on the edge looking the city. He hadn’t called or messaged Magnus in months. Magnus told him to back off and he did. However, that night he was feeling extremely lonely, he just wanted to hear his voice. He didn’t realize what he was doing until he heard the answering machine “This is the High Warlock of Brooklin, my amazing self is busy or just doesn’t care to answer. You know what to do after the beep”

 

Alec wasn’t planning on leaving a message, he knew Magnus didn’t care, but the words left his mouth anyway.

‘Hi Magnus, it’s me. I know you said to stop calling but I just wanted to ask you something. - he took a deep breath- how could you do it? How could you forget about me and cut me out of your life? Please, tell me because I can't do it. I love you and I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. Magnus, I don’t think I can live without you. _Not that that changes anything_ I guess’

He run out of time and it was done, he had left another message for Magnus. He didn’t expect an answer, Magnus hadn’t answered any other of his calls or texts after their breakup. For all he knew Magnus probably hadn’t even listen to them.

 

That was the night Alec broke. He felt how his heart and his soul couldn’t keep going like that. he looked at the sky, at the moon and the stars and tears started to fall down his cheeks.

 

**_Izzy_ **

****

Izzy had a bad dream, she woke up and had a terrible feeling. It was like she knew something terrible was about to happen. ‘Alec’ was her first thought and she run to her brother’s room. He wasn’t in his room, nor his office.  ‘Think Isabelle, where would Alec go?’ she started running to the roof. He could be there.

 

She didn’t know why but she knew she needed to hurry. Something bad was about to happen and she started repeating ‘Please, Alec don’t do anything stupid’.

 

She got to the roof and it took her a couple of seconds to adapt her eyes to the dark night. She looked for his brother and she felt his heart stop when she saw his silhouette standing on the edge. It looked like he was ready to let go. she moved fast but without making noise, she didn’t want to scare Alec and make him lose his balance. When she was close enough she said “Don’t do this Alec. Please, come with me” her voice was soft, desperate and broken. She had already lost a brother, he couldn’t lose another one.

“I can't Izzy, I can't keep feeling like this” Alec was still facing the city, and Izzy moved closer, she held out her hand to reach Alec.

“Come with me Alec we can talk about this. You won’t feel like this forever, I promise” Izzy was close enough to see how Alec cried. Her brother never cried, he was the strong, he always keeps it together. Even when Max died Alec took care of everyone, even when he was suffering too he was there for everybody else.

“Alec, you cannot leave me. I love you. Please come down” She knew every moment was precious and she felt how time was slipping out of her fingers. Alec just stood there, and he looked devastated.

“You’ll be fine Izzy. You are strong. You don’t need me…” Izzy’s heart break. “I always need you, and I won’t let you do this”

“Don’t you see it. This is for the best. I just want everything to stop. I want the pain and the feelings to stop. I want to stop” that moment Alec turned his head to see her. He looked so lost, so miserable, and Izzy hated Magnus for leading his brother to this, she even hated herself for allowing this to go to this point. Tears stating falling of her cheeks, if she couldn’t convince Alec with that she would appeal to his protective nature.

“Alec if you jump I will jump right behind you” to that Alec frowned “No, you can't do that”

“who is going to stop me? It won't be you and there isn’t anyone else here” she saw doubt in Alec’s eyes and also pain. It was like by not letting him do this she was hurting him. Her brother deserved better, Alec was the best person she had ever met. He was innocent, protective, smart and he loved with all his heart. He deserved more from life than this. He deserved happiness not being so depressed that he would kill himself.

It worked though, Alec came near to Izzy and he broke in tears. They stayed there for hours, Alec crying himself out and Izzy holding him. They saw the sun come up and then she took his brother to her room. She stayed with him until he was asleep. She was angry and she was going to find Magnus. She was going to yell at him for everything he put her brother through. A little part hoped though that Magnus will meet with Alec and they will be together again. Otherwise, she didn’t know how she could help Alec and she wasn’t going to risk it again. She was going to fix this and she was going to make Alec want to live again.

 

**_Magnus_ **

****

The past couple of months have been awful, he missed Alec and he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He didn’t return to NY right away he was too busy getting drunk somewhere he didn’t even remember where. He came back a month ago, those first days were the worst. He would wake up trying to smell coffee because Alec always makes coffee in the mornings. He would turn around in bed looking for the warmth of the shadowhunter’s body, and wake up to a lonely bed. He would see the empty space in his wardrobe, the space were Alec’s clothes used to be. He would stay up until late at night like he was waiting for Alec to come after hunting demons. He missed him so much and there was nothing he could do about it. He redecorated his whole apartment, erasing anything that would remind him of his love, but he still could feel the pain.

 

Magnus’ heart had been broken many times, but he had never felt like this. The emptiness and the loneliness was consuming him. It didn’t help at all that his cat also missed Alec. It just reminded him of what he had and what he had lost.

 

Magnus needed a distraction, he considered throwing a party but he wasn’t really in the mood to be a host. Then, he remembered he met Alec in one of his parties. No, he needed to go out.

 

He arrived at a bar full of downworlders a little bit earlier than he was used to but he didn’t care. ‘Alcohol, I need alcohol’. A couple of hours later Magnus was drunk, he was dancing and moving and smiling. There was a handsome young werewolf that came close and without realizing it they were dancing together and flirting. Magnus was actually having fun, he knew nothing was going to happen with him but he could enjoy the company for a while.

 

They took a break and sat on a table a little far from the dancing floor. The young werewolf went to the bar to bring drinks and Magnus was smiling. Everything looked blurred and he felt dizzy it was like a dream, nothing felt real, nothing could touch him and nothing could hurt him. That was until his phone rang. He saw Alexander’s name appear next to his picture, his heart was racing and he was about to answer. He stopped himself and suddenly it was like he was sober, too conscious of everything around him.

 

He and Alec hadn’t spoken after their breakup, not really. Moreover, Magnus hadn’t heard from him for weeks. He was the one who told him to stop calling, but when the messages stopped it felt real. It felt like everything was over and he had lost his right to know about Alec’s life. It was for the best, but that didn’t alleviate the pain. He took a deep breath and it took all of his will power to cancel the call. Soon after that a message appeared –You have a new voice message.

 

He didn’t want to hear it, he was having a good time, but he couldn’t resist.

 

‘Hi Magnus, it’s me. – only by hearing his voice Magnus felt better, he had been replaying Alec’s old messages only to hear that voice- I know you said to stop calling but I just wanted to ask you something. – the tone in Alec’s voice changed, it was more desperate more scary- how could you do it? How could you forget about me and cut me out of your life? Please, tell me because I can't do it. I love you and I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. Magnus, I don’t think I can live without you. _Not that that changes anything_ I guess’

Magnus listened at the message twice, how could Alec think that he had forgotten him. He was suffering and he would be suffering for years because of that love. That last phrase on Alec’s message Magnus remembers was something he told him. But it should change everything because Magnus loved him. Before he could do anything else like call Alec and tell him he loved him, young werewolf was back drinks on his hands.

 

Magnus drank and drank non-stop he wanted to stop feeling he wanted time to breath. He and his companion were drunk and dancing very close. With that quantity of alcohol Magnus started to see Alec on the werewolf, ‘they both had black hair and pale skin’. One thing led to another and without being sure how it started he was outside the bar in an alley kissing the werewolf. It wasn’t like when he kissed Alec, he didn’t feel fireworks not even a little flame but it was keeping his mind away of everything and Magnus was thankful for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you like the story and just sorry if there are some mistakes, English is not my first language.   
> Leave your comments or ideas. What do you think is going to happen next?


	3. I don't want you around

While Alec was asleep Izzy told Jace what happened. Jace was shocked and all color left his face. His first thought was ‘Magnus, you are a dead man’. Then, Izzy told him that killing Magnus wasn’t a solution, it would just hurt Alec more.

“I was so scared Jace, you have no idea. The determination in his eyes, he just wanted to let go” she felt how tears started falling from her eyes.

Jace hugged his sister “we’ll fix this. We’ll do the impossible if that’s necessary but we’ll fix it”

They stayed there for some time, holding each other and scared of what would happen if they failed.

 

Alec woke up at 7, it was late for his usual schedule but it felt like it was too early.

“Hey you, how are you feeling? You really scared me last night Alec”

 

Memories came back and Alec felt ashamed of what he was going to do, ashamed because Izzy found him. “I just had a bad day. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine” He tried to sound strong, but his voice betrayed him.

 

“Alec, I love you. You don’t have to be always the strong. Let me have your back the same way you have had mine before” Alec was just lying in the bed, quiet and sad “You can talk to me, you can talk to me about everything and anything.”

 

Alec felt tired, so tired of trying to get through this alone. “Magnus…” he whispered. “You love him” Alec’s body was shaking and tears were in his eyes. “I love him more than anything. When I lost him, I lost my path. He wasn’t just a crush or someone I cared about. He was my one true love, he was everything to me, he was the man with who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and when he left it was like…” Izzy was listening, her brother had never talked like that and she would be there, she would support him, hug him and cry with him. “It was like I lost everything and my life stopped. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. and everybody else was going forward, everyone was getting their life back on track, everyone but me. I was stuck with this horrible pain that wouldn’t ease and wouldn’t go.”

 

Alec was silent, lost in his thoughts. “We broke up and it was all my fault Izzy. I hurt Magnus and I deserve too feel this pain but I can't handle it anymore”

 

“No Alec that’s not true you don’t deserve to feel like this. There are two people in a relationship to work or to end it. I’m sure Magnus is as much to blame for what happened”

 

“You don’t understand, I went to Camille. I betrayed Magnus even when he told me to stay away from her”

 

Alec never told them why exactly his relationship ended, and now he mentions Camille. “What happened between you two?”

 

And Alec told her, how he freed the vampire, and the proposition and the meetings. He told her how Magnus found out and why they broke up.

 

“He said he love me you know, but that wasn’t enough”

“If you had already rejected Camille’s offer why did you keep meeting with her?”

“Because, she had known Magnus for centuries. She knew things about Magnus that I wanted to know”

“why didn’t you ask Magnus directly?”

“I did, he never wanted to tell me. He said it was in his past and it was not important.”

 

Izzy was furious, she hated Camille for taking advantage of her brother’s innocence. “Alec, there you go. Your problems with Magnus involved more than Camille. From what you told me you had communication issues, and Magnus is to blame for that. He should have been more open with you”

 

They stayed there, Alec considering Izzy’s words until he fell asleep again around 11. Carefully Izzy untangled herself from his brother. She told Jace to keep an eye on Alec and she left. She was going to pay a visit to the warlock that broke Alec’s heart.

 

**_Magnus_ **

****

Magnus was waking up, it was probably around noon considering the amount of sunlight entering through his window. There was something that woke him, some noise. He was starting to sit when he felt dizzy. He decided he needed a couple minutes until the room stopped spinning. He turned his head to see someone lying next to him covered in the duvet. He smiled ‘Alec didn’t go to work today’, he felt calm. The knocking at the door was annoying, Magnus wasn’t going to answer. Whoever was there could come another time. He was moving to reach Alec, he loved to sleep next to Alec. However, as soon as he moved the cover, he realized that the man lying in his bed wasn’t Alec. He had black hair but that was the only thing they had in common. This man was bigger, and his skin was darker than Alec’s. There was not a single rune in that body, only one scar, a bite. Memories from last night started to come to Magnus. The kissing, his proposition of going back to his apartment and then the sex. He had brought him here, to his place, to the bed Alec and he shared. It felt like a betrayal to Alec and to himself. He was still processing the information when he heard a voice.

 

“Magnus open the door. By the Angel if you don’t open now I’ll break it” He was breathing heavily ‘Isabelle’.

 

He had to stand up and go, he knew Isabelle would force her entry and he didn’t want her to see his company. He didn’t even want to see his company. He stood up and took his golden robe. He stood at the door for a couple of minutes until he was sure he hid his emotions.

 

“Lovely Isabelle. I thought I made myself clear, I don’t want any of you shadowhunters appearing at my doorstep every time you have a problem” He stood blocking his entrance, there was no way she was getting in.

 

“Magnus, I thought we were friends. Besides, today I’m not taking a no for an answer” she was smiling but her voice was … angry and determinate. She pushed Magnus a little, entered to his living room and sat down in one of the couches.

 

“Well this is my place and I decide who is welcome” Magnus didn’t want to sound so harsh but he needed to get Isabelle out. “and in case you were wondering, you my dear are not welcome … now” he was fond of the shadowhunter and he would help her if she really needed it but it wasn’t a good day. Magnus wanted to run to the shower and clean himself from last night. He was single for months now, but every cell in his body felt like he was a cheater. Isabell there made everything worse, she reminded him of Alec. Furthermore, he knew that if the werewolf in his bedroom wakes up, and somehow Izzy sees him, she would tell Alec.

 

“Well, I’m not leaving until we talk. –she looked him in the eyes- We need to talk about my brother”

 

Magnus rather than sit sank in the couch in front of Izzy. “There’s nothing to talk about” he sounded indifferent, trying to hide the internal battle between his heart and brain. Izzy was examining him, looking every expression and saving her judgment.

 

“He’s heartbroken, it’s been months and he is not getting better, quite the opposite actually he is worse”

 

Magnus was having trouble keeping calm. He hadn’t heard from Alec in a long time. The thought of Alec hurting was devastating, but a small part in him, the selfish part in him was happy to hear that Alec still cared about him. “Everyone deals with breakups different. I can't do anything about that”

 

“He told me what happened. Magnus, how could you make him believe everything was his fault? You made him feel … _unworthy_ of everything”

 

Magnus didn’t want to keep this conversation. He was angry at himself, at knowing that he was causing pain to the person he loved the most. Alec was worth everything, he was the most gentle, humble, loyal person he had ever met. He deserved better, he deserved the best. His anger though was expressed in the wrong way when he said, “He was the one who trusted Camille”

 

“Yes, he went for her. But you were the one that pushed him”

 

“I didn’t do such thing. I warned him to stay away from her” Magnus did nothing wrong, Alec went willingly to Camille.

 

“Do you at least know why they kept meeting?”

 

Magnus sometimes wondered that. Why did Alec trust her instead of him? “Alec wanted to make me mortal. He wanted to shorten my life!” He almost shouted that last part, he was losing control.

 

“I though you knew him better than that. really Magnus you think my brother could have done anything to hurt you on purpose” -Izzy didn’t look good neither, she looked frustrated- “Alec loves you and he has given you everything. He never trusted Camille, he didn’t want to take away your immortality, he could never do something like that”

 

“Then tell me Isabelle why? why did he keep going back to her?” that time Magnus shouted.

“Because he wanted to get to know you”

“And the obvious response was to go to Camille”

“From what he told me it was the only one. What it’s in your past that you wanted to keep it from Alec so badly? You pushed him away and you discarded his feelings, and let me tell you who was there, promising to share with him some memories…”

Izzy didn’t have to answer, he did it “Camille was”

“There are two people in a relationship Magnus, and you are as much to blame as Alec”

Magnus was speechless, Izzy was right. He had pushed Alec away and Camille used that to manipulate them both. “Your brother –he couldn’t say his name- knew from the start that my past was off limits”

“Yeah, I know; and you knew that that was not fair for him. Love is not about secrets” –she looked down to her hands and then up catching Magnus’ gaze- “The only conclusion I get every time is that you didn’t love my brother as much as you said”

 

Magnus felt his world crumble at that. How could she say that? Everything in the world could be wrong and he may had handled wrong the whole Camille situation, but something that was an absolute truth was that he loved Alec, he still does. A terrible though appeared on his mind ‘what if Alec thinks that too. Alec shouldn’t doubt that, he couldn’t be doubting Magnus’ love for him’.

 

Both have been overwhelmed with emotions that neither had heard the sound of someone waking up in Magnus bedroom. They were lost in their thought and they didn’t notice that someone was coming.

 

Magnus was about to tell Isabelle how terrible wrong she was, if something, he needed to at least convince Isabelle that he was broken too, that Alec was his true love, that he would never intentional hurt Alec. But before he could say anything someone else spoke:

 

“Last night was amazing. Ready for another round?” the werewolf (Magnus didn’t remember his name) was there. Magnus felt how his face was drained from any color, his eyes turned to see Izzy. She looked so disappointed, like this man was just another proof of how little Magnus cared about Alec.

 

He kept moving, oblivious of Izzy’s presence and of what he had walked into. He was close enough to see the shadowhunter “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I can come back later” He turned and left, back to Magnus’ room.

 

He had been there for just a couple of minutes but it had been enough. Izzy stood up, fixed her face like nothing happened and started walking towards the door. She stopped abruptly and turned looking to the warlock that was still sitting.

 

“I didn’t realize you had company. However, I now know what I needed to know. I won't bother you again”

 

Magnus knew he had to stop her, he needed to explain because if he didn’t Alec will think that Magnus got over him and was with someone else. Isabelle’s theory verified, and all because of a misunderstanding. He knew Izzy was there for something specifically and he needed to know what.

 

“No, stop. You came here for something. Why did you come here?” Magnus though she was going to leave, but she acted like a robot no emotions in her expressions or her voice.

“I was naïve, I though you and my brother could get back together, but I was wrong” she was going to leave then she made it to the door but then she turned again

“There was a time when I thought you were the most amazing thing that happened to Alec, you made him so happy… Now I think you just destroyed him. – a single tear was falling through her cheek – He deserved better. He deserves better than this. So, just keep doing what you are doing, and stay away from him. I’ll make sure he is fine again and I don’t want you around” then she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think about it.  
> Leave comments and kudos  
> what do you think will happen next?


	4. The cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember that wound that Alec kept, and he forgot to use a rune for it......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week it's been crazy I had midterms and papers so I didn't have much time to write. I hope you like this chapter. Enjoy!

Izzy arrived at the institute in the late afternoon, she took a walk to feel calmer, but she was still furious. She went to the kitchen, maybe if she eats something she would calm down before checking on Alec.

“Hey, how did it go?”  
“I hate Magnus. Our brother is destroyed and he is sleeping with some werewolf”

Jace expression turned to angry almost instantly. “I'm going to kill that warlock”

Izzy sighed, she was frustrated, her visit was not what she had planned.  “Do you think I should tell Alec? How is he? Did you talk to him?”

“He’s been sleeping all day. I wanted to talk to him but I guess he is catching up the lack of sleep of the past weeks.”  
“It hurts me seeing him like that”

“Me too, and I don’t know what we can do. Are you sure Magnus was with someone else?”

“Well, when a half-naked man came from Magnus’ room and asked him if he was ready for another round it was pretty clear”

Jace was taking deep breaths and his hands were in fist next to his legs. He was trying to control himself, because he knew if he hurt Magnus, Alec was the one who would suffer the most. “We don’t tell him, not in his state. We make sure nobody mentions Magnus and they don’t meet for anything.”

“Do you think we should tell mom and dad?”

“I’m not sure if that will help. You know Alec he tries too hard to be perfect and I don’t know how Robert and Maryse will react. What do you think?”

Izzy was doubtful because it was true, Alec always tried to be perfect and their parents weren’t exactly the comforting type. “We wait. We talk to him and if that doesn’t work we talk to mom and dad. I’m going to see if he is awake”

 

\--_________---

 

Alec was still sleeping, and Izzy entered to lie back next to him. When she touched him she noticed Alec’s skin was burning and he was shivering a little. She tried to wake up her brother but he was not responding.

“Alec, wake up! Please Alec wake up!”

She run out looking for Jace. “Jace, I think something is wrong with Alec. He has a fever and he doesn’t wake up. Come with me”

 

They tried to wake up Alec, and then when they pulled up his t-shirt they saw the cut. It was an infected wound and it was too late for a rune to take care of it. Where could have Alec got this cut? When did it happen? Why didn’t he take care of it?

 

“I don’t understand, we haven’t been on a mission lately. How did Alec get this cut?” Izzy felt her heart broke, she couldn’t see her brother like this. Her voice was weak and anxious.

“We need a wa….” Jace couldn’t even say it because Izzy’s eyes were furious. She wanted to blame someone. She was blaming someone.

“Don’t even say it Jace, the last thing we can do is bring _him_ here” She was cold and angry.

“What other choice do we have?”

“He is not the only warlock. I’ve be back soon” She left the room running.

 

Jace stood there with his brother, drawing runes in his skin even if he knew it wouldn’t work.

“I am so…so sorry Alec. I’ve been a terrible brother, I wasn’t here for you and you needed me… I wish I could take all your pain away… please don’t leave me. Please Alec don’t die on me” –Jace was whispering and he didn’t know when had he started crying holding his brother’s hand- “I will get better Alec, I promise. I’ll help you, Izzy will help you…We are family please don’t leave me”

 

**_Magnus POV_ **

After Izzy left and he sent away his company, the events of the last couple hours hit him. He took a shower trying to clean his body from last night. Trying to wash away the pain and the guilt. He had brought him here, to his and Alec’s home. They had had sex in his bed, a bed that he shared with Alec. He stood there feeling the hot water wash his body but he couldn’t stop feeling like he betrayed Alec.

 

_Alexander,_ his Alexander, so sweet and innocent. He closed his eyes and pictured Alec in his mind. Alec laughing at his jokes, his blushes when Magnus said something intrepid or flirtatious, Alec playing with Chairman Meow, Alec cooking them dinner, Alec kissing him every time he could, Alec’s hand in his body, Alec inside him.

Magnus was crying, he felt weak and slide to sit in the floor of his shower. He remembered Izzy’s expressions, first surprise, betrayal, hurt, anger and disappointment. Alec would probably would find out soon, if Izzy hadn’t already told him. And Magnus couldn’t help but wonder, will he care?

 

He turned off the water, took a towel and started walking to his room to get some clothes. Magnus froze in the doorframe, he looked his bed, the sheets spread around, the lube in the night table and the empty condom package on the floor. He felt sick. With one movement of his hand everything was gone, he got dressed as soon as he could and walked to his balcony to take some air.

 

Magnus phone was ringing making him get back to reality and enter his flat. It was his dear friend Catarina. Cat didn’t make social calls often. How could she have known he needed her?

 

“Hello…”

“Magnus, are we still back to this? You can avoid the shadowhunters forever”

“I can try…” he tried to lighten his mood but he had no idea what was happening.

 “I am serious. You know I will always stand by you and I am on my way to the institute, but I think you should try to….”

“Why are you going to the institute? I have no idea what are you talking about”

“Mmm… I received a call from the institute, someone is wounded. I though they called you first but you didn’t take the job, like with the portal last time…You honestly don’t know anything about this?”

“I am telling you Cat I'm lost” Magnus only heard the words institute and wounded and he was worrying it might be Alec.

“That it’s weird…”

Magnus didn’t want to ask, but he also wanted to know so badly. “Do you know wh..what happened?...mmm… who is wounded? Do you think…”

“Magnus don’t worry, Isabelle didn’t tell me the details but I’ll let you know. I gotta go” She hung up and Magnus felt that pain in his chest again. Izzy was avoiding him, and he prayed to the angel to keep Alec safe.

 

**_Catarina POV_ **

After her conversation with Magnus she had a bad feeling. She was worrying about his friend, and she hoped that she could help the shadowhunters.

She opened a portal outside the institute and Isabelle Lightwood was waiting for her.

“Thanks so much for coming. I didn’t know who else I could call” she seemed exhausted and worried. They walked through the institute before arriving to a dorm.

“Please, help my brother”

Lying on the bed there was a young man, skin pale as snow and shaking and sweating with an expression of pain. Her healer nature instantly activated and her magic started flowing to the wound. She sent the Lightwood siblings to wait outside, to focus completely in the task in front.

 

It was hard, it was an old wound and the venom was resisting every attempt to eliminate it. She knew who that was and she tried much harder to help the boy. If something happened to him, Magnus would lose it.

“Come on Alec, work with me” she kept repeating encouraging the boy to fight the infection. “You can't die on me”

After a couple hours she had finally extracted all the venom, Alec was unconscious in a dream and she was exhausted and drained. He would survive.

She let the siblings enter and they kneeled next to Alec.  

“Thank you for your help. You can send us your bill and we’ll arrange the payment as soon as possible” Isabelle was calmer that how she was before. She spoke clearly, confident, serious and looking directly to Cat.

 “He would be alright… but, the wound was old, at least a couple days. Why did he keep it?”

Pain crossed Isabelle’s face “He’s been having a rough time… We are taking care of it and I ask for your discretion in this matter. No one can know what happened here…” That last part was like insinuating someone in specific shouldn’t know, someone they didn’t call to avoid him.

“I understand, no shadowhunter will know about it” she was being ambiguous, she was going to tell Magnus.

“Well I was wondering if you could keep this from the High Warlock of Brooklin in specific” her eyes were showing a small threat but Cat decided to ignore it.

“Magnus Bane is an old friend of mine, and he already knows I was summoned to the institute. I won't lie to him”

 

In that moment Alec was waking up, and Catarina felt appropriate it was time to leave.


	5. Chapter 5

After the call of Catarina Magnus couldn’t be at ease. He tried to distract himself but he had the feeling that something was terribly wrong. Firstly, Izzy was the one who called his friend. Why not Alec? He was head of the institute it was his job, maybe he was hurt. Or maybe Izzy told him about Magnus’ company and he decided to ignore warlocks for the day….

Two hours later and he didn’t have any new from Cat so he decided to take a walk, he needed the air.

 

He started walking without direction. Oblivious of where he was, he found himself in front of the institute. It felt like a lifetime ago when he could just enter the institute without any restriction. Everybody knew he was Alec’s boyfriend and they weren’t surprised to see him wondering around. He now knew where everything was in the institute, Alec had showed him. But now, now it felt like he wasn’t welcome, it was like he was imposing and his presence there was out of place. It was a reminder that he no longer was a part of Alec’s life, and more than that he felt guilty that he put them in this position.

 

He knew he better leave, but he couldn’t move. At the end, he decided to go to a restaurant in the corner, he hadn’t had a proper meal in weeks and he could feel Cat’s magic.

 

It was late at night when Magnus saw his friend leaving the institute, and he run to meet her.

 

“Cat! What happened I never heard from you again”

“Magnus how long have you been here? I was going to call you I’m just exhausted”

“I couldn’t stay away…. Let me take you to my place, I’ll make a portal” Magnus was dying to know all the details but under these conditions he wouldn’t get much.

“Thanks Mags”

 

They appeared in Magnus’ flat and he wanted to interrogate Cat, but he saw how tired she was.

 “Magnus, I know you want to know and I want to tell you but not tonight, I don’t think I can stay awake another minute”

“Don’t worry. We’ll talk tomorrow over breakfast. Good night my dear, you know where everything is, make yourself at home”

“Good night” she walked to the guest’s room and she fall asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

 

Magnus made himself a drink and told his cat, before going to sleep “Oh, this is going to be a very long night”

 

\--_________---

Magnus was never a morning person but he was awoken in the kitchen with breakfast waiting for Cat to wake up. As soon as she entered the room and sat next to him, he couldn’t resist any longer.

“So, what…mmm…who…are they ok?”

“It was a shadowhunter with an infected wound. Magnus,”-she had that look, the look somebody gives you when there is bad news- “It was Alec”

Magnus felt all the air left his body, there was more than that. “What happened?”

“Magnus, I’m worried about him. The wound, it was old. It took me a lot of time and energy because the venom was stronger and spreading faster. I think he didn’t heal it on time and then it was too late…”

He couldn’t process what Cat was saying. Alec was never reckless, it wasn’t in his nature. He was the responsible and protector one.

“What are you saying….?”  
“I’m saying that the boy is miserable, and you are miserable. So, I have to ask Magnus because you are my friend and I’ve never seen you happier than when you two were together. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?”

Magnus could already feel the tears forming in his eyes “I love him more than anyone, and I want us to be together. We just can't, it’s complicated…”

“Then, let’s go through it together. Tell me again what happen between you two.”

 

Then Magnus told her everything, the way he felt, Camille, Izzy’s accusations, he just left aside his one night stand. He couldn’t accept it himself let alone say it out loud.

 

“Do you think she is right? I pushed Alexander to Camille’s trap”

“I don’t know Magnus. How much of your past did you share with him?”

Magnus was afraid of the answer, because it meant he was indeed guilty. “Not much…I used to tell him that the past doesn’t matter and he shouldn’t have to worry about it”

“What did he want to know?”

“A little of everything, where I was from, my family, my ex-lovers. He was jealous you know, when he first met Camille. He wanted to know more and I just push him away” he was now crying “I pushed him away and she was waiting for him with her arms opened”

“Did you have with him the immortal/mortal talk?” she was curious, because if Alec went to Camille that easily. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into.

“No…I guess I didn’t want to talk about the past or the future. I just wanted to live the moment and I was happy”

“But he was lost, he hadn’t think about that thoughtfully before the devil appeared. I don’t know what she told him, but Alec must have been desperate if he set her free”

“Believe me I was shocked. Alexander follows rules, he only breaks them if there is something at stake, and especially for his siblings…. He broke the law, he betrayed the Clave and because he wanted answers I refuse to give him”

“Magnus, I know that for you it is difficult to trust people, you have this walls around you to keep anyone from hurting you, and I understand the burden of immortality. There are memories we rather forget, but you are in love with him. What were you scared of? Why push him away?”  
“Because I love him too much. You don’t understand Cat I’ve never felt this way.   Alexander is my soulmate and I didn’t want to lose him ever. I wanted to live in my happy bubble where nothing else matters.  I just knew his love would destroy me because I couldn’t live without him. I don’t know why I didn’t see him drifting away. I don’t know how I could have missed the pain in his eyes. I don’t know how I make him feel to go to the devil.”

“So, fight for him”

“No, I can't. Because even with everything I just said, I can't tell him what he wants to know”

 

They stay there in silence for a couple minutes, there was not much left to say.

“I need a drink. Do you want anything?”

“No, thanks. I have the night shift today”

Magnus walked to the bar and Cat to her room to get something.

“Here, just give it a try” she puts a journal in his lap. The style was nice, it looked antique and it was completely empty.

“I don’t know what do you mean”

“Write Magnus. It helps I promise”

“What should I write about?”  
“Anything, everything. Write about Alec”

“Why…?”  
“Because it would help you clear your mind. Just give it a try, Ok?”  
“Ok.”

 

After that Cat left, leaving a confused Magnus staring at the journal in his lap and with a drink in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Magnus got the journal, but he is not sure if he is going to write or what  
> What it is most important though is the WHEN, he has to hurry.
> 
> I leave you just a little bit of what is going to happen next
> 
> Izzy was anxious hearing the beep of the phone and her only thought was 'please pick up'
> 
> “Hello Isabelle”
> 
> “Hello mother”
> 
> “It’s everything alright?”
> 
> “You need to come home”


	6. Mom

Izzy was anxious hearing the beep of the phone and her only thought was 'please pick up'

 

“Hello Isabelle”

“Hello mother”

“It’s everything alright?”

“You need to come home”

“What happened?”  
“We need you. Alec needs you. When can you be here?”  
“I have to attend some meetings this week, so maybe in…”  
“We need you now”

“You are scaring me Isabelle. What is going on?”

“I’ll explain when you come home”

“I can't just leave everything behind if you don’t tell me…”

“Mom, just please come home”

“I’ll be there tomorrow morning”

“Thanks, see you soon. Bye”

 

Maryse was worried, the called she received from her daughter was unsettling. Their kids have never called her for something like this. Sure, she had been avoiding NY as much as possible and spending time in Idris, but Izzy’s words stayed in her mind _‘we need you’._

 

Her family was broken, it had been broken for a long time. Max’s death was just the last thing they could handle. She got a divorce from Robert and he moved with his mistress to another institute. She appointed Alec head of the institute and she left. She didn’t look back and she felt terrible about it. She lost a son but she also pushed the others away. She had no idea what was going on. She hadn’t been the best mother, but if her family needed her she was going to be there.

\---_________----

**Izzy’s POV**

“You called _her._ Why would you do that Izzy?”

“Because we need all the help we can get, and I don’t care what it takes I am not losing Alec”

“We can handle this ourselves” Jace was angry and I knew why, we have always managed ok without involving parents, and calling mom was just _weird._ That’s why I called Clary, she was the one that could get to Jace and not make a big deal of this.

I was right because Clary tried to calm him. “Jace, it is alright to need help. You shouldn’t have to do this alone and….”

“No, Clary. He is my brother and he need us. What if she only makes things worse?” and that was a feeling I could relate, I wasn’t sure if mom would actually help, and I had no argument or reassurance for my brother.

“Jace, look at me –Clary said taking Jace face with her hands- Alec is not…himself and he hasn’t been for weeks now. We haven't been able to help him the way he needs and I think Izzy is right and I hope Maryse would be able to help”

Hearing that made me feel better, I was going to save my brother. We just talked about how we were going to tell mom and checking on Alec who was in his room not wanting to talk with anyone.

\---________----

 

Everything happened so fast, she had talked to the Clave and took vacations. She really didn’t know how much time she should stay in NY. However, here she was standing in the entrance of a place she once called home. It didn’t feel that way anymore, nothing felt the same way than before. She took a deep breath and she walked confidently towards the office where Isabelle was waiting.

 

Maryse have always been proud of how brave their children are, but right now Isabelle looked scared and vulnerable. This was even worst that she imagined if her daughter was like that. She found herself pulling Izzy into a hug, out of maternal instinct maybe, because she wasn’t a hugger. And even more surprisingly Izzy hugged her back. She couldn’t remember the last time she had hugged her daughter and she felt guilty. She didn’t have a good relationship with her children and it was all her fault.

 

“Isabelle, what’s going on?” she asked softly without losing the grip of her daughter.

“It’s Alec mom. There is something wrong and I didn’t know what to do. I want to help him but I don’t know how. I worry it may be too late”

“Take a breath and explain it to me. Too late for what?’

And she told her everything about Alec’s state and attempted suicide. When Isabelle finished talking both were crying.

 

“I need to tell you something, Jace should come too” Izzy went to bring Jace and the three of them were now standing in one of the meeting rooms.

 

“What do we need to talk about?”  
“Well, Izzy had filled me in on how Alec is. And there is something you should know. Your grandfather from your father’s side. He suffered from depression.”  
“What do you mean?”

“Jace depression is an illness and from what you say Alec has shown many of the symptoms. What I am saying is that depression runs in the family and doctors still don’t know if it is hereditary, but it seems that people from the same family are more prone to suffer from it.”

“That is nonsense” Jace didn’t have any patience and he didn’t truly know that depression was an illness. Alec was sad but he was not ill.

“Jace, just shut up! Let mom explain. What happened with our grandfather? We never knew him” Izzy had more knowledge about the subject, she was really interested in medicine and biology and she had come across some psychology books too.

“In the shadow world, not many people accept mundane knowledge. But I remember how terrible it was for your father. Your grandfather just lost interest in life and nothing seemed to work. It was a different time back then and we thought that if we ignore it he could get better. It is not well seen that a shadowhunter cannot do his job and then…. He killed himself. I am not letting Alec get to that point, but he cannot stay head of the institute not like this”

“Mom you cannot do that to him. This job means everything to Alec”

“I am doing it for him, he needs to get better and as much as I hate to say this in his state he can put anyone in the institute at risk”  
 “But ….”

“No Izzy. Look, we won't tell Alec that you called me. Our relationship is not in the best terms so I will be the bearer of the bad news. He is going to need both of you and we are going to get professional health, but we need a strong front here alright.”

Jace and Izzy looked surprised and scared. It was weird to be in the same ‘team’ as Maryse and there was no way to knowing how Alec would react. Nonetheless, both answered “Alright”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first I wasn't sure if I wanted a good Maryse or a bad one, but I want her relationship with Alec to be better and they will get there. Even if Alec hates her at first, he doesn't know she is trying to help


	7. My reflection in the mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I am not sure about this chapter. Depression is an illness and have read about it and I took a psychology course where we discussed depression, but I still wasn’t sure about how to write this chapter.  
> I wanted to write what I thinks would be going on in Alec’s mind, and that he is not only feeling this way because of the breakup. There are different factors that played a part on Alec’s insecurities and he just bottled up so much for such a long time that it is like all is coming at once.

_“I thought upon the way in which we'd always shared each other's happiness, believing it would make the moment burn brighter and longer, but sadness can be shared too, perhaps sharing makes it burn briefer and less bright.”_ _  
―_ [ **_Tom Rob Smith_ ** ](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/981834.Tom_Rob_Smith)

**_Alec_ **

****

I don’t know how long have I been here, standing in front of the mirror. It is not because of vanity, I don’t think there is something there worth looking at.

At first is trikes me how I look physically. I mean, sure I was never handsome like Izzy or Jace. They could enter a room and people would gravitate to them, with a smile they have new friends and people are always admiring their beauty, openness and bravery. I am none of those things, but I never actually considered myself as ugly. Well, not until now anyway.

My face looks like something has sucked out the…air? Life? I can see my cheekbones protruding and my skin is paler and it looks sick…like I am already death, like I am one of those zoombies you see on TV.

My eyes don’t look the same either, they look tired and something more…they look _opaque._ If there was something people often used to tell me is that I have such beautiful shining eyes. I remember how they shined, they did so when I was happy like training or using my bow, teasing Izzy about her cooking, just hanging with my siblings, going on missions, protecting the people I care or with even simpler things, reading a book, laughing about a joke or admiring the beauty around me. I try to think of something else because my thoughts inevitably go to Magnus and Max, two of the most important people in my life and I lost them both. In different ways, I will never be able to see Max or watch him grow. But at the end I lost them both.  

‘Think of something else Alec, don’t go there. There’s nothing good if you go there, only more pain.’

I look at my hair, it is the longest I’ll ever have had it. I guess I just didn’t care anymore. My hair is long, messy and greasy. I haven’t pay much attention to my personal hygiene either. I’ve been avoiding mirrors for a reason. I didn’t want to see me like this. Then, I look at my jaw and my new beard. I never liked a beard before, and I don’t like it now, but again I just stop caring.

I feel terrible, I feel disgusted with myself because I’ve been staring at my face in the mirror, just my face and I know there is so much more.

Well, I am not surprised by my reflection. I suppose this is how you are supposed to look like when you haven’t had a proper meal in months, or a good night of sleep. But as much terrible I could look in the outside, nothing would compare to what terrible I feel in the inside.

I feel like I want to cry. No, I feel like my body wants to respond by crying. But, I don’t want to cry, not anymore. I wait a couple of minutes feeling the pain wrapping my heart, my stomach, my mind, and then me, but nothing comes. I guess I don’t have more tears in my system.

I take a step back and take off my shirt, and I am not surprised to see more of the same. I can see my bones through my skin. I still have muscles I have been training a lot, but I don’t have the strength. My eyes run through my body, trying to assimilate this new me. Then, they set in my abdomen and the most recent scar there. The cut I left, my source of pain for days. Maybe happy people don’t understand, but physical pain has kept me grounded. When I felt like I couldn’t breathe or think or move. I would press a finger in the wound. I would concentrate on that pain, I would see the blood staining my skin, my clothes and my hand. Only then I could breathe.

Now I am thinking back at that night on the roof, how I felt so free standing on the ledge. I could just let go of everything, all the pain, all the suffering and all the noise. That was what dragged me there that night, the noise in my mind. It started like headaches, probably from sleep deprivation, but no matter what I did I couldn’t get it out of my mind. Then, it changed and it was like whispers, words that didn’t make any sense together and I tried to ignore it. Train more, antibiotics, sleeping pills, running, but nothing helped. If anything, every day that passed it became worst. I can hear now, the whispers clear as the light of the sun, I even recognize some of the voices. The first voice I made out was Robert, my own father, his voice was telling me what a disappointment of a son I am, how disgusted he feel about me, how I am lesser because I loved… I love…I dated. No, because I was in a serious relationship with a downworlder, and with a warlock for god’s sake. His voice tells me how abnormal I am for being gay. How I don’t deserve the Lightwood’s name or the position of Head of the Institute. Robert’s voice sometimes repeats things real Robert had told me, and sometimes things he never said, but I am pretty sure he thinks about. I mean my father has told me a million times how disappointing I am and almost never...or never how proud he was.

I tried, I have tried for year to live up to what my parents expect of my, to what my family expects of me, and I fail. I am a failure. And If I needed more prove mom, put someone else in charge. Apparently, I am in no condition to manage the Institute in my current state. She tried to sugarcoat it, but she is taking the rational and best decision. How am I supposed to be a leader if I can't even remember when was the last time I took a shower. I’ve been trying to distract myself with work, but I didn’t have the best performance, not even an acceptable one. I’ve been reckless and sloppy. If it wasn’t for people covering it up and ignoring it, I could have lost my position sooner.

I open the faucet and splash water in my face. I am closer to the mirror now, looking at myself, trying to find something there.

I am empty. I am unworthy. I am a disappointment. I am a failure. I am a fiasco. I am not a leader. I am not brave. I am not beautiful. I am a coward.

I haven’t only failed my parents. I failed Max. I am the older brother and I was supposed to protect him, he was my responsibility and so was Izzy. I should have known better, and protected them from Sebastian. That cold-blooded murderer, that killed Max without hesitation. And poor Max he was too young, he didn’t stand a chance. And it was me who had left them there. The next time I saw Max it was his corpse.

 

I am a liar, after all it was all my lies that lead to my breakup, and I know my lies weren’t the only problem. But it didn’t make it easier. I feel it now like every time I think about Magnus. It is like the air can't reach my lungs, my throat closes, my limbs feel sometimes numb and sometimes itchy. I try to think of something else but there is the noise again, I close my eyes but it gets worst because I can see them Robert, Maryse, members of the Clave, judging me, ignoring me. I can see looks of hatred, disappointment and even fear from strangers and from people I recognize. Suddenly I feel something, it feels like something is burning my skin, my left forearm to be precise and I focus on that. It feels like three burning lines going from my wrist to almost my elbow. Each time I feel the scratching and the burning feeling that lefts behind I feel I can breathe more easily. I open my eyes and I see that I was scratching myself. Where my skin was pale that I could almost see my veins, it was now deep red. Multiple lines, some more red and hurt than other, but I was breathing and there was the noise was lower.

 

Mom surprised me, she had left everything behind to come see me. At first, I was excited about it, I thought that maybe if she told me that I am not a disappointment I could get her voice out of my head when she is not here. I was wrong, it was the complete opposite. When she entered the room, her look was one of worry and concern. She treated me like I am fragile and could break at any time. Then, I realized Izzy had told her the recent events and she had come because she was my mother and that’s what mothers do, she came out of pity. I needed someone to support me, to tell me how strong I am and that I could get pass this. I needed someone to believe in me, and she didn’t.

I know what many people would think, that I seek approval to desperately. I guess I have always known I am not enough. I know I have my siblings and even Clary and Simon that care and accept me, but right now is not like they don’t count or matter it is that their opinions are biased. I wanted mom’s strength at that moment because after I came out our relationship changed and I lost her support. So, I just wanted to hear that she loves me no matter what and that she is proud of me. I wanted someone who knows me but is not close to tell me that I matter and that I will be fine. My thoughts are mixing and now I don’t even understand myself or what I want.

I look my reflection in the mirror and I feel disgusted, not only by the outside but by what is on the inside. I feel empty and lonely. I feel guilty that so many people have to worry about me. Maybe they’ll be better off without me. Maybe Izzy should have let me jump and end this. If I died the Lightwood’s name would be saved, mom wouldn’t have to be where she didn’t want to be, Jace and Clary could keep their ‘honeymoon’ phase, Izzy could train Simon to become a shadowhunter. I am selfish, keeping all of them busy instead of enjoying their life.

I look again and I am angry, angry at myself and the person I’ve become. I don’t even think it, but I hear the mirror breaking, tinny and large crystal pieces falling and some stained with blood. I look at my right hand. It is in a fist with deep cuts and blood flowing fast and freely. I know what I am supposed to feel but it seems it’s one of those times when my body goes numb. I feel nothing but relief that there is not a reflection staring back at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to know what do you think about this chapter. Please be completely honest with me, as I said my knowledge on the topic is limited.  
> Leave your comments


	8. Chapter 8

Izzy though Maryse was going to help, but until now Alec seemed even worse. She understood why Alec couldn’t be on charge for now, he was distracted and careless. But she also knew how important it was for Alec and it only was another rejection. Alec didn’t even have energy to be angry at mom, he was just there static and sad.

 

They have tried talking with him and hanging out, even the suggestion that he could talk with a stranger freaked Alec out, and nothing was working. Their mother had to leave for Idris again and was coming in a week, so Izzy was going to do anything in her power to help her brother.

Last night Alec had nightmares so she stayed in his room. Her brother was broken, crying and sobbing and he repeated again and again “ _Please, help me. Please, make it stop”_

She promised him she was going to find a solution and she was going to keep to her word. She talked with Jace and together they had a plan and idea that may help, so they decided to visit a warlock.

 

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

 

They took a bus to Philadelphia and where outside the building of Elias, the warlock that was going to help them.

 

“Hello. I am Isabelle and this is my brother Jace. We spoke on the phone”

“Elias, at your service” they shook hands and entered the flat.

“Isabelle, I didn’t quite understand how may I help you. You mentioned a love potion, of what kind? But please keep it simple no names and no major details, I can get in trouble”

“Well, I need the opposite actually. I need something to make someone forget his ex..”

“I have to warn you that playing with matters of the heart can be dangerous…and it is quite expensive”

“We have jewels for the payment as requested…. Now what are the dangers you were mentioning?” said the blond shadowhunter

“Well, was this person in love?”  
“Of course. It was too much though and now that they are not together and will never be…let’s just say that we need help for the broken heart”

“If it is as you say, I am sure they had a powerful impact on each other’s life. Am I right?”

“Yeah” both answered

“Well, the magic that you are asking is a powerful one, because you don’t want me to erase their memories completely but erase someone in particular….magic reacts different to each person. If everything goes smoothly and we have a 90% chance it does, this person would be like a shadow in their memories, someone who was important but you can't exactly recall who, the memory won't be one of a lover but more like a distant friend or just someone you used to know. This magic hides the information of the lover and there will be just a mixture of silhouettes, meaning even if they see each other, the person who drinks the potion probably won't recognize the other or if he does it would be just a meeting or introduction or a fight, something boring….”

“That sounds great…” Izzy started but Elias raised a hand to make her quiet

“Now the problems are the side effects. You say they have impact on each other so erasing the memory might affect behaviour. We have a 70% chance that nothing happens, so it would be like everything happened and the client just stops being heartbroken. There is a 20% chance that the person will go back to how they were before they meet, so if the client was a womanizer and now is  faithful and monogamus that behaviour can be back. There is a 10% chance that they would kind of know something is missing but not a clue to what it is, they would be more careful when it comes to love, not giving their heart away easily. Now that I have warned you and you know everything that it is at stake you can make a decision. We can proceed or you can leave..”

The siblings looked at each other and reached a silent agreement. They were going to do this. Everything started after the breakup, so maybe if they erase that Alec would be himself again.

“We are going to do this”

“I just have one final question. They have been separated by a while now and what is going to happen to the memories post-breakup?”  
“It would be dizzy, more like a ‘ _I was very stressed or too much work to do, and I was exhausted and completely out of it’_ it would be like a time you had too much to deal with and now that it's over you don’t want to think about it”

“We have a deal” they shook hands again and moved to a separate room that had many ingredients.

 

“Did you bring what I asked you too? A love potion and it's reverse use similar ingredients. I need something from both”

Izzy gave him one ring that was Magnus’ and one of Alec’s arrows. Elias said something in a weird language and those things melted and became one, he asked the siblings to wait outside. Then, he added some other things and more weird words. He put the beverage in 7 tiny coloured vials.

 

“Everything is done. You may give it to the person in the next 24 hours, start with the blue one. Then drink one every 24 hours for a week, the order doesn't matter except for the blue and the black. The blue must be the first one and the black the last one. This is very powerful and they may pass out for a couple hours, so better to take them at night. The blue and first one would make it so the memories will be gone, but he needs to take them all. The side effects if any, will present within the first week once they finish all the vials”

Jace handed the payment and Izzy took the vials and they left. Now the most important part, they have to talk to Alec. They didn’t ask before because they wanted to be sure it was possible, but they were going to present the vial as an option and the final decision will be Alec’s.

 


End file.
